{ ha, I got that one right, didn't I? }

[delga]

Ziva David why are you so difficult for me to talk about when I quite obviously WANT to talk about you and your Daddy Issues and what have you. It is possibly more difficult because I've yet to rewatch all of the first half of season 3 again (most of which I blahed through the first time because NCIS and I were having a falling out which led to me leaving the relationship, only to come crawling back when S4 started. I KNOW. I'M SUCH A H0R). I think it is also difficult because I don't have a lot to say, but it feels like I have a lot to say, and possibly I have already said it to twincy who I think is (possibly?) the only person to care.

But you came to us! You came, with your open sexuality, your femslashy vibes with Jenny, your wobbly family history (Daddy Issues and I Shot My Half-Brother Issues included), and your uncomfortable fit into the team. I still maintain that the first episode I felt comfortable watching you in was Frame-Up although I'm certain the re-watch will lead me to think that you were awesome long before then.

Since then, things have happened. You're not an assassin anymore, you don't just kill people willy-nilly (by the way, Jethro is a bastard to you over that, and your Sacrifice is a double-edged blade by the end of S3, which is why it's even more awesome when you go to see him in the finale), you often sport an orange hat and apparently you have a DiNozzo Complex (à la twincy Kate, which, please. Ziva, get a grip. Unrequited Whatever That Is doesn't look good on you). You're still having trouble with those damn idioms, and you're still making mistakes that semantically speaking make no freaking sense. I go through periods of loving that and loathing it, so, we'll see.

So, let's say that season 3 is about finding somewhere to belong in the team and that by 4x01, Shalom, you're fully, actually there (it's not certain in 3x23, Jeopardy, that's for sure, even if fandom would like to think so because the one person who wavers all the way through is Gibbs and Gibbs matters what with him taking on the pater-role) and all debts are paid. Then season 4 must be where you fit the team and you're free to lose some defences. But apparently you gain defensiveness too because, hey, Orange Hat Man and then the Possibly Unrequited Whatever That Is. Gibbs trusts you (by the end of Shalom, that's certain; his 'one-off' return is for you, and you make that point again: a year ago, you would have. Now you know - not better, I don't think, but you do know different. That's not how things work here. That is not acceptable behaviour).

Ah, Shalom. Are debts really repaid? I mean, Jethro says in Hiatus, "I owe you," but if you consider Shalom, that's never equal, is it? It's only equal if Jethro stays in Mexico with HOLA, SENOR MIGUEL and Ziva assumes that it's a one-off thing, that he makes an exception. Except. DUDE. It's not. It's not that at all. ZIVA. HE STILL OWES YOU. And you've felt like you've owed him since Kill Ari Part 2. Two things: (a) you're the only person who Knows before Hiatus and (b) you believe in Ari so fucking much, and you're wrong. So in a way, I don't know because this is stretching it, but in a way, it's almost as if Kate's death - and all associated grief - it's like you take that on yourself. Is this because of Tali? I mean, you were an assassin. Was this before Jenny? Did working with Jenny 'redeem' you? I don't know. I find it sad. (Ari says Gibbs has the unfortunate quality of reminding him of his father. SO FUCKING TELLING if you consider what Ziva reveals only minutes later.) (Not like that isn't obvious, though.) But I wonder, Ziva. I do. Because your Daddy Issues want to transfer and they sort of do (because Jethro simultaneously accepts and rejects her) but they also really don't (because Jethro simultaneously accepts and rejects her).

Anyway, my dilemma is this: I don't know how to write you. If I write backstory, I'm going to be playing with fire. I have no idea what your childhood would have been like. I'm tempted to do it that way anyway, though, because that's where things begin (your father, your God, your sister, your brother). Alternatively, when Jethro arrives (LATE) to Kate's funeral, he tells Jenny that Ziva is escorting Ari's body back to Tel Aviv. Your grief is private, isn't it? And there is both winning and losing in that situation. So that works well, too. I think I can mix it up and play with both halves of that. So.

WHATEVER. Ziva. I'm glad I fell for you. I mean, it was touch and go, what with my leaving and returning and missing vital pieces of information. But here we are.

(Addendum: I love wiki, if only because it reminded me that you boast numerous talents such as a near-photographic memory and the ability to rappel down a cliff without safety ropes. Girl, you hardcore.)