Wtf is going on?

[delga]

Jesus fuck! What the hell is the matter with people? I've just had four god awful conversations with people tonight and I'm so far pissed off I'm going to bust a gut - and not necessarily mine.

Conversation no 1.

A) Are you ok?

Me) Yes.

A) Are you sure?

Me) Yes.

A) You're not are you? You're lying. I know. What's wrong?

What's wrong? What's wrong is that I'm trying to do my work and you're interrupting me, never mind the fact that the only reason that I'm online at all is because I need to talk to someone quite urgently and they swore they'd be online (more on that in a moment).

[Also, telling me I'm lying doeen't swallow so well].

Conversation no. 2 consisted of someone accusing me
quite bluntly of being moody. I said that I wasn't and asked for an example. I was given a generic example. I retorted at said generic example because I was annoyed at conv. 1 and at the fact that this person was making assumptions about my mood that were entirely incorrect. I'm so pissed of at this person because I snapped at them once and they've made it into some sort of re-occuring scenario. The assumption that I was ever in a bad mood is crass because I wasn't - when in a bad mood, I'm pissed at everyone. I don't target one person. Fucking paranoia. This person has also spent too much time talking to person no. 1 because you know something? Until today, not pissed.

And condescending? I am condescending. I'm always condescending. But when you start a conversation about trivial things and it's not something that interests me, of course my response is 'for god's sakes', not to mention that that is my phrase of the moemt. The *eyeroll* is generally implied when I say things like that because if I've said it, I do think that whatever has been said is very stupid. So I'm not a fan of blatant ignorance. And I'm not a fan of attention seeking which I can read like a crystal ball if only because I know how to get attention. And I work bloody hard not to be like that because I hate it. I yelled once about being ill and here's to that: when I come into school and I'm ill I don't fuck around sleeping on the windowsill, I'm there because I have actual work to do. If you're going to sleep in school then don't bother turning up.

Mostly I'm annoyed because if I've been so shit moody, why the fuck hasn't anyone said something already? Why do they wait until they're fuming before sorting it out? As far as I'm concerned, the accusation has come out of the blue and you damn well better believe that I'm not pleased about it because you were as fucking blunt as a butter knife.

Conversation no. 3 I don't really know if I'm annoyed or not because you can't tell tone of voice on MSN. I just thought that perhaps someone was being haughty but it could just be me projecting onto said person. Whatever. It hasn't helped my mood. [And the reason I was online was because I'm waiting to talk to somebody but you didn't let me say that before you went off].

Conversation no. 4 was quite possibly the worst thing
that has happened to me tonight (other than the fact that my Franz song keep blitzing out on me!) because o god, you wait and you wait and you wait and then the holy heavens stick up a finger in your face. And it's not like there's anyone that I can call and talk to about this right now because all three people are (well, may be) incommunicado.

Well thanks a bunch. Really. You were so much help to me you asshole. I don't even know what I'm doing right now. I just don't know.

And I don't know who I am because you confuse me on the issue; you confuse my beliefs and my creed and you burn me like fat in a fryer. You're just a bastard to me. I wanted your help a fortnight a go; I wanted you to stick up for me but you turned around and tokd me exactly the same as everybody else. You stood there, you raging hypocrite and you told me that I was as worthless to the lot of you as they said that I was. You told me that i didn't belong and my god I've never felt so alienated as this. Never. Not even when I first realised what it meant ot be coloured; to have my skin and my eyes and my hair and my voice. I stood in the loos and I looked at myself and you made me hate who I am. You told me to shove it and you're just the same as me. There's nothing different between the two of us: you live how I live.

And I hate you. I hate that you could come online tonight and tell me that you're on my side, accuse me of some form of neuroticism and then tell me to fuck off and I hate it even more that you got him to call me when I've been so good and I haven't talked to either of them. I get on the phone with them and you know that I can't put it down.

I don't understand why this is happening. And I'm very, very tired.