Misfituality

[delga]

Oh shit.

So, yeah, I'm in that mood. And it's because of a book. And other stuff. Londburgh, btw is London/Edinburgh.

(Me) Lol, yeh - I don’t know if I can explain this to u in an adequate enough way that you understand (but here goes anyway): I’m from here, right? But I'm there (Londburgh) too. But I don't really fit in over there. And I certainly don’t fit in here. Not all the time. And anyway, I was reading From Caucasia with Love (with got me a little stressy on Friday - soz) and the girl in there is the same and then I was thinking, so-and-so read this book and didn’t give a shit but they're the same as me in that they live here, in this country where its always half and half but they didn't understand the story at all and then I realised it's because I live here and they live...there (Londburgh) and they wouldn’t no, would they? because they're with this whole community of people like them and I will never be a person like them because I'm here and I don’t understand and my patriot-pride is all confused because I'm like, without a land and that does not make any sense at all, does it?

(Fairy) That’s ok. It makes sense. But it is also necessary to realise that there are more than one ways of being "people like me". So there are more people down there that are from a certain group. You belong with your friends- your friends there and your friends here. You fit in (even if you are in a literature- inspired foul mood) here because you are friends with us and you fit in there for the same reason. No-one ever feels like they completely fit in. I don't. I'll tell you how I sometimes feel: I feel that perhaps there is something wrong with me, that everyone knows it but I don't and everyone humours me but doesn't really mean it. It's pathetic but I sometimes feel like that. If I'm in a room where I say something and no one understands I feel that I don't fit in. Everybody does because we are all different. We don't understand ourselves completely and so we can't expect to always fit in with people who just won't understand us completely either. You do fit just the same way as everyone else wherever you are. I know this isn't quite what you meant but I don't know what else to say.

I don't know how you can completely 'be of use' to anyone. Why should you have to be? you're not clones of them.

You can't be the same as them.

(Me)Yeh, I know. That's not really what I'm aiming for. And yes, I know that we all feel out of place at times and the worst thing in the world is to be the only person in the room who gets what you're on about but it's not just that. It's like I have to fight with myself to understand myself (??) I have to question my motives, my speech, my behaviour and then I have to ask myself, well, why am I like this? And why don't I think about things the way most people do? Like, someone over there will tell a joke and I'll understand the joke, I'll understand why the joke is funny but all the same, I won't find it funny. And my POV is: well, why don't I find it funny? Why is that, to me, humourless? I think the same as them; it was a funny joke - it should have been funny. So why aren't I laughing? And other times I have to ask myself - where do I fit in on the ethno-scale? Because I have all these mixed tastes that (whilst they comprise of me) don't actually explain who I am or where I come from. Am I Indian? Am I British Asian? What does that mean?

(Fairy) Everyone gets that. I would say that as you were born in the exotic realms of Peterborough and grew up here then you are from around here, regardless of what you look like. You obviously just have ties in different places. That makes you special- you can have the best of both worlds. You can have the dances and the foods and language and relatives with stories to tell without the heat and the wars and conflicts and you can have the British-ness to fit in here (yes you do) without any 'web- footed fen folk' comments and with the ability to dismiss the bad points about Britain if you have to I’m not much help here. I'm not you. I'm an English girl brought up to eat Yorkshire puddings and wear straw hats in summer.

All this goes to show is that I'm so fucking messed up it's unreal. That is all.