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delgaHave just discovered that I have to take a specific train according to my ticket, so I'm here for another couple of hours at least. This is excellent, as we just rewatched last night's Who, and it means I don't have to pack yet.
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Guys! The wedding was amazing! I got in at around 6.30pm on Friday and met with the girls at Denz's place where we proceeded to sort out her clothes and our clothes and then look through old photographs. We also had to go and collect a massive leather-bound tome which Denz had ordered for use as a guestbook. Natch we left our scrawls on the back page. As you do.
Saturday started waaay too early. We all got up, threw our crap into Maya's car, gently placed Denz's suit and sari and suitcase on the top, and sped off to the hotel. We let Denz crash until five whilst we got dressed, and then the hair and make-up people turned up so Denz started to get dressed. Bear in mind the registry was at 9am. Which is to say: four hours from this point in time. I was dressed first so I went to see the two halls which we'd be using for the wedding. Also: to make sure the sound system wasn't crap and could play the MP3 player we'd brought with us. (The manager had assured us this would be fine, but we were sceptical, and I wanted to check. Good thing too, because we needed an adapter that they didn't have. Sent one of Denz's brother to buy it. At 7am. Yes.)
Got back to the room and Denz's stepmum, sisters, and sister-in-law had arrived, then the florist. Bish, Maya and I moved off to one side (we were getting our hair done last because we weren't actually involved in the wedding proper so it didn't matter if we weren't done on time). I sat with the baby who, now being one, can sort of totter about? Jeez, that kid; fuck beautiful child.
Anyway, being super-efficient, Denz was ready for every event about an hour early. It was around the time she was dressed that I realised I'd forgotten my camera, so I'll have to grab pictures off Maya. Unfortunately, I think most of these will be of Bish pulling faces in the hotel mirror whilst getting her hair done. Yeah. I had to count the flowers because apparently that is a thing that calms me down? The hair and make-up people went to have breakfast, and we all sat down and just...sat. For about 45mins. Denz couldn't move all that much because her suit was really heavy and she's a tiny wee slip of a girl. In the end, this was time well spent because after her stepmum left to make sure the boys and Denz's dad were ready, the six of us - Denz, me, Bish, Maya, and Denz's two sisters, Nika and Jenna - began to STRATEGISE. Ooooh.
(Please note: at no time did we have breakfast. Because we are stupid, stupid people.)
At weddings, we play games. These mostly feature being of great inconvenience to the groom by nicking his stuff and holding it - literally - for ransom. Weddings are a lucrative business! Things we had to plan: a) how to get the groom's shoes. Mostly the groom's family can be very good at hiding his shoes! Thankfully, we are awesome, and decided to rope Denz's stepmum into helping us get to the shoes before anyone had any idea what was going on. Strike one! b) We had to steal part of the groom's costume. This is, uh, new to me? How we were going to get the saal - that he was wearing - off him was news to me, but Bish and Maya, who are PROS, had worked out a way to make sure he got caught on the chairs coming into the hall. Serious round of applause there because I didn't think that would work and it totally did. c) We had to block the car from leaving. Normally this just involves linking hands and standing in front of the car, not allowing it to leave, but a better, more effective method is to sit in it. The trouble comes from getting to the car in time. But more on that part later.
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The registration! Goodness, this was kind of lovely? Normally the English vows don't do anything for me - sorry! - because they don't seem sincere. Except Denz is lovely and her husband is apparently REALLY EARNEST. (Lols, have met him...once? Nice guy.) Also, because we picked lovely entry music that I can't remember the name of right now. But it was really, oddly beautiful. Also, fuck me, but the flowers were stunning, and also mixed with fairy lights...which one of Denz's brothers had to pick up that morning at the last minute. This happened a lot yesterday. Denz's brother's had to go to B&Q quite a bit. In full regalia. With hats. Yeah.
Denz got a bit emotional and then there were at least six women in the room feeling a bit fragile. Bloody nuptials.
I do, I do, exchange of rings, mispronunciation of Indian names, and then signing the register and posing for photos. At which point something GREAT happened. And by great I mean hysterically funny but not really very good. Most of the men were sitting on a pew-like bench at the back of the room. Which promptly collapsed. Bish, who is one for Schadenfreude, was dying trying not to laugh (her brothers were on said bench) and then we spent five minutes trying to help everyone up and making sure nothing more than backsides and egos were bruised. It did speed up the photos, though.
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Back to the room to dress Denz for the wedding actual. Unforseen complications: how to remove the top of her suit without fucking up her hair? Solution: wing it. No, but really. In the end there were three of us trying to get the damn thing off. "Hello friends, I can't breathe--" "Shh, serious strategising going on here!"
At this time, the guests were indulging in tea and biscuits for the second time that day and Maya was all, FUCK THIS, I WANT BISCUITS NOM NOM NOM, and things got scary until hotel staff turned up with food. Denz had herself a cuppa and tried not to get toast crumbs in the beadwork. She failed, but we dealt with it. Bish got mad excited about sausages. I tell you all this to highlight the hysterical nature of the time between the registration and the actual wedding. Bish kept reminding Denz that, "technically, your arse is hitched now!" and then everyone in the room would get giddy and bounce around grinning before someone invariably reminded us, "DON'T STEP ON THE SARI FFS!" and then we'd calm down until someone else said, "lols, hitched!" and then the manic giggling would start all over again.
During this time I went down to look at the hall (again) and to drop off the guest book before everyone was allowed in. The mandap* was finally up, the brahman was there, the flowers were up, and Son was trying to wrap fairy lights around the canopy beams. Or rather, he was sitting at the top of the ladder, lights in hand, waiting for his brother to come back from B&Q with an extension lead. He was freaking out because the coach with the wedding party/jaan had arrived and was parked outside, even though there was still an hour before the groom could enter, and the guests who'd come separately and/or for the registration hadn't even been allowed into the main room because he was sitting on the top of a ladder trying to dress the canopy. The lights had been a last-minute addition that no-one understands, but which were ultimately very pretty and brought joy to every person who was not one of Denz's brothers (or, as I just found out, one of Bish's brothers). Hilarious-only-to-me: Son has a fear of heights and was sitting atop that ladder looking somewhat Caucasian for a full-on desi boy.
*) Four-pillared canopy under which the wedding takes place. Each of the pillars represents a parent - two each for bride and groom.
Finally: the lights went up and I headed back to the room where one of the best things of the day happened: SURPRISE GUESTS FROM CANADA AND NEW ZEALAND!!!! Meaning: Sunni, her husband, her mum, her sister & family, and her brother & family. I saw them approaching the room and maybe shrieked? Guys, Sunita is looking badass. Absolutely at her peak. I love her. And her husband is a fucking riot! Who knew?!
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Eventually Denz was ready. We sent Bish's younger brothers to go spy on the groom's wedding party and it transpired that they had brought dhol players. This made Denz laugh a lot because apparently her in-laws' are not really dance people? We were making jokes about how her father-in-law was probably a secret bhangra legend which led to Fight-Club-like scenarios featuring underground dance-offs. Inevitable conversation:
denz: surely someone would know if [FIL] could dance?
bish: THE FIRST RULE OF BHANGRA CLUB IS DO NOT TALK ABOUT BHANGRA CLUB!
I stayed with Denz as her sisters and Bish (and Maya, who was actually looking for a vending machine) went down to invite the jaan into the hall. I didn't need to go down as the ceremonial parts of the wedding are really more about family members than friends, and Bish is Denz's cousin from her mum's side, so she went down with everyone to invite the jaan. Maya got trapped there because she had a chocolate craving, so. It turns out that whilst Denz's immediate in-laws are kind of old fashioned, the extended family is a bit nuts, much like the whole of Denz's family, so it'll work out.
Denz and I spent fifteen minutes sitting quietly, which was good for both of us, really. Topics discussed: whether the lights had turned up; whether or not she'd remembered to set the tape for Doctor Who; whether or not she would have run off with Eleven if he'd turned up on Friday night and offered her all of time and space (answer: "How do you know he didn't? Time machine, bhen, I was back before you woke this morning." "Lol, you're the desi Amy Pond!" "Denza Ganges!" etc.); whether she needed one of us to sit with her under the mandap; whether or not she had any cash tucked into her bra for when she got to her in-laws' (another game: don't let them in until they pay!); what she was going to do with her apartment for the next six months; whether or not her in-laws would allow her to paint the room she and her husband have been allocated in their house; how difficult it is to make curtains; how much more difficult it is to find a use for wedding saris once the occasion is past (Denz is going to cut hers up to make throw pillows? Jesus, woman, them be some expensive, look-don't-touch-or-use pillows!)
At that point Maya burst into the room brandishing Denz's husband's saal (scarf): "BOW TO ME FOR I AM VICTORIOUS!" Apparently she and Bish had kept ducking behind the groom on his way down the aisle and somehow - without being noticed by the wedding party, what the hell? - surreptitiously wrapped the end of his scarf between some chairs. HOW DID THEY DO THIS? No idea. None. I do not get the logistics of this. But anyway, groom got caught, the girls went to 'help', pretended to get him more tangled (at this point there are a mass of people stuck down the aisle) until Denz's stepmum basically made him unpin it and Maya ran off with it. Fucking amazing. Round of applause!
Of course, then it was time for Operation: Ugly Shoes, so Maya stayed upstairs and I pegged it to the wedding hall in my sari. This was not easy, but I consider it taking one for the team. Got there barely in time - there were many, many guests! Many! Denz's stepmum is an absolute legend, by the way, because Bish and Nika blocked people from getting behind her and she took the groom's shoes and nonchalantly - without looking or letting on that she knew what she was doing - passed them behind her to Nika. Who passed them to Bish. Who passed them to me between a Sainsbury's bag containing flowers and a painted steel plate that ostensibly needed to be removed from the room. I oh-so-casually escaped like a motherfucker. Operation: Ugly Shoes was a SUCCESS! Denz laughed so hard she started hiccuping. GUYS: thievery leads to a feeling of immense exhilaration and accomplishment! Who knew?!
We hid the shoes and scarf together, and then waited for women from Denz's in-laws' side to arrive. Traditionally the bride is given gifts from the groom's family. This is called something that I don't currently remember. But anyway, there is a procession of gifts that land on the bride's lap - beautifully packaged saris with jewellery and bangles included. Denz's in-laws are apparently a little artistic themselves because each of the saris had been folded to look like peacocks. Let me reiterate that Denzina is TINY, and there were 8-9 boxes, so not only were her arms aching but you couldn't see her behind the tower of niceties. Bish kept making her laugh, so we nearly had a collapse which would not have been on. In the end, I took a couple off her just so that she didn't make a complete fool of herself. Maya took pictures of all the boxes and of the procession itself so I should hopefully have those soon. (Um. We can't find the camera this morning? We think it's beneath a huge pile of saris that we dumped unceremoniously in the corner of her room, but whatever. It'll turn up.) The in-laws then buggered off.
And then it was time to take Denz to the wedding hall.
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In Indian ceremonies, the bride's maternal uncles give her away. Denz has one actual maternal uncle and two step-uncles. The three of them carried her in on what is basically a really fancy stretcher. Her dad obviously has really important things to do during the ceremony but he and her stepmum were already at the mandap. Sunni's siblings' little ones threw rice and flower petals, followed by Denz and her uncles, followed by the rest of us. Denz looked absolutely stunning. Like. We'd all seen her get dressed but when she actually stood up she looked radiant. The sari she was wearing was fairly typical - red, white and gold with heavy, heavy beading but she didn't look overwhelmed under it all because her jewellery was tasteful and because the girl has marvellous posture. Then she was sat under the mandap and we ran out of things to do. Bish sat with her for a little while, and Maya and I stayed close at hand in case people needed us to fetch things, but we weren't really needed.
Things got hysterical a couple of times: firstly when the best man realised that he had no idea where the groom's shoes were and Maya winked at him ("What the hell are you doing?" "Winking in triumph!") and secondly after they'd circled the aarti a few times and we started wildly gesturing to Denz that she should really make sure she is the first to sit down, no, really, Denz, SIT YOUR BACKSIDE DOWN RIGHT NOW SIT DOWN. (In theory, whoever sits first rules the roost. Denz was totally down first.) I caught up with Sunni and her husband, and then we all watched as Denz's unmarried brother tried to chat up someone from her in-laws' side. Conclusion: he has no social skills or charm. Jeez.
Jay turned up from the ether somewhere in the middle - it has been YEARS since I have seen him. He is...very tall. We were making fun of the groom's three brothers who were all dressed really peculiarly. Denz is marrying the eldest son in that house, but there are no daughters, but the brothers are...odd. They all have decent jobs and so on but they are just a bit...ODD. Like, they won't look you in the eye, and they had a funny sense of humour, and sometimes you get the sense that they don't understand you or aren't paying attention. So. Yes. And they were all dressed in traditional garb with these GIANT headdresses which kept getting caught on things. The youngest knocked over a pillar and smacked an old woman in the face with his headgear's tail thing. I don't know; fucking funny though.
Wedding food is horrible so I always pack hula hoops, gum, mints, and other stuff to eat, plus Bish had pilfered cookies from one of the refill carts that was going around clearing and re-stocking the rooms, so whilst most people went to stand in the queue for food (which stretched around most of the hall and the dining hall), Bish and I ate hula hoops and mini buttons. As you do. People tend to go for food as soon as the bride is seated because seeing her is about all anyone cares for, and I ended up sitting next to Denz for half an hour as others went to eat. The brahman kept making jokes in Gujarati that were funny because they were terrible. Just horrendous. Denz couldn't breathe she was trying so hard not to laugh out loud. Her husband looked startled (his Gujarati isn't as good as ours) because at one point it sounded like Denz was choking. Hilarious. But then they were both laughing and it was lovely. They're pretty well matched - he's quite timid and Denz, despite being associated with a lot of headcases, is a lovely, tiny, quiet little thing herself, and they're genuinely fond of each other. He's not quite used to our group's volume/sense of humour, but he'll adapt. We're not completely beastly, and anyway, Maya will be in India in a fortnight so it'll just be Bish local and as batshit as she is, she also works six days a week. They'll be fine.
Finally the ceremony ended and Denz went to eat, at which point Sunni and her husband came back, as did Maya, and we sat around in the first few rows of seats, basically making a nuisance out of ourselves and wisecracking. At some point Sunni's husband started singing a song from Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge and completely fucking up the lyrics which, natch, was cue for us to start bastardising many, many Bollywood modern classics. Some people may or may not have started dancing to Dhoom Machale *coughBishcough* (which we instead sang as 'Groom Masala'? We are not particularly clever. Or funny.)
Meal time over, it was time for Denz to leave. This is the part of the wedding where everyone cries, even though Denz has married a local guy from her own samaj/community group and is not actually about to travel on elephant to a distant village. Everyone lines up along the aisle and the bride and groom walk down and hug everyone, and we bawl like children. Though not before the bartering! Excellent! We took a lot of money off the best man in exchange for the shoes and then Maya was all, "uh, bhai, where is your chundri?!" and then we went through the whole shebang again to hand over the saal.
We managed to get first in the queue to hug Denz which was actually horrendously emotional, not to mention awkward for the groom who was attached to Denz via a very long string necklace. He tried to stand as much to one side as he could whilst Denz group hugged me, Bish and Maya. Not going to lie: we cried. It was awful.
Somehow I ended up carrying Son's baby? I do not know, but as we had to then try and block the limo, I just waved at Son's wife and took the kid with us. IT WAS THE EASY SOLUTION OKAY. Operation: Grease Lightning was twice almost thwarted! At first we couldn't get out of the hall because there were so many people in the way, and then we couldn't find the car. Plus, the best man had finally savvied up and was having the limo circle the block. So we got Sunni's mum to flag the guy down by herself so it looked like she had something important to say to him. And then we got into the limo because the idiot driver didn't lock the doors. Me, Bish, Maya, Sunni, her sister and sister's kids, Nika, and Sunni's mum talking to the driver.
A lot of funny things happened that day but few things will match the look on the best man's face when he came out to flag the limo down...only to find us inside, with our heads out the window. PRICELESS. Denz saw us and started laughing madly, and slowly everyone saw the hilarity and started laughing, too. So: third payment. All in all, we did fantastically.
And that was it for us. Denz finally left, the wedding party got back into the coach, and we dispersed.
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Bish and I went to Maya's for the evening to change into actual clothes, eat pizza and watch Doctor Who which we all loved viciously. We then saw a trailer for Clash of the Titans and Bish made us jump out of our skin: "THAT IS MADS MIKKI- MIKKOSAN- MAKKOSEN- IT IS THAT GUY!" So we decided that post-Who we'd go to the cinema.
Of course, just as we were leaving we got a call from Denz who had left her suitcase in Maya's car so we went to the cinema by way of Denz's in-laws where we very, very nearly got sucked into the house and held hostage. Maya charmed the hell out of Denz's husband's grandmother, though, and we escaped, though Maya also nearly ended up bringing the best man with us for reasons that are known only to her.
The film was so-so; Mikkelsen was hott; we stayed up until 3am re-watching Doctor Who and singing along to the Glee soundtrack. Badly, of course.
And that was my weekend. Heading home now. Feeling emotionally wrought! Oh boy.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-25 11:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-25 09:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-25 11:27 am (UTC)No, but seriously: this was a thoroughly enjoyable post which I read in its entirety. It's Sunday, okay, there's not much going on. (I say that like there is stuff going on on days that are not Sunday, lols. Anyway I digress.)
I really wish I had a winged pony to fly me to the Odeon so I can see Titans. I may just wait until it comes out on DVD, is that horrendously lazy of me?
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Date: 2010-04-25 09:22 pm (UTC)Not lazy, just fiscally sound. Or you could do the other thing in the mean time.
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Date: 2010-04-25 12:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-25 09:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-25 01:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-25 09:27 pm (UTC)The wedding was really fun. Most of the enjoyment comes from the chaos - collapsing benches, last-minute surprise addition of fairy lights to all surfaces, successfully stealing things etc. But it was also really fun just to be with Denz and the other two girls because we so rarely get the chance in person, and we were all sleep-deprived and excited and a bit hysterical. Good times.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-25 09:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-25 05:14 pm (UTC)Also: "How do you know he didn't? Time machine, bhen, I was back before you woke this morning." "Lol, you're the desi Amy Pond!" "Denza Ganges!" I LOLED.
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Date: 2010-04-25 09:31 pm (UTC)Yeah, I have decided I'm going to call her that for the rest of ever. We laughed pretty hard ourselves. (Actually, the conversation continued: "Denza Ganges!" "Denz Thames!" "Denzina Marina!" and by the time Maya came screaming into the room, we were aching we'd laughed so much.)
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Date: 2010-04-25 11:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-27 08:05 pm (UTC)