{ wait, they don't love you like I love you. }

[delga]

In theory I should be packed by now; in actuality, uh, yeah. Not so much. I just got a call from The Mother saying that they've set out... which made my mind boggle. The Dad is just bringing his car, not a rental. The Mother has never come to pick me up (only drop me off) so I don't know why she's tagged along this time. If we can't fit everything in the car, we'll have to leave her here. (lols.)

Just about everything is packed. I have some book which could do with going into a box but The Dad might prefer to keep them in the plastic bag they're in right now. I need to have breakfast, then wash, wrap and pack the last of my crockery. I then need to take all the stuff that's packed and put it on one side of the room. The stuff that is left is my academic notes, stationery and my many, many electrical leads &c. So: bits and bobs, basically, although my A4 binders are really fucking heavy. Really, self? You need to keep those? (Um, actually, YES. I'd have a coronary trying to get rid of them.)

--

Feel weird (obvs.) Spent last night talking to N and being open and honest. She was too, but. I don't know. Often I say, 'be honest! I can take it!' and that's utter bullshit. But she was talking last night and I was actually fully okay with the things she was saying to me. I was able to say, yes, I am oft lacking in sympathy and patience. And I felt good about it in the sense that for once I was stating a fact and it wasn't emotionally biased one way or another. I'm not proud about my character flaws but I have them, and they're mine. To an extent I feel I have to lay claim to them. And if I was so fussed about it, I'd change. So obviously I don't feel it's a huge deal. (This is not a pity post, guys; just statements of fact. I don't need the 'u r my friendz' comments, thanks.) You can be a horrible person and not feel guilty about it. If you can stand yourself, if you can live with yourself, that goes a long way (I feel) to justifying certain public personalities. What I mean is, if you're going to be a bitch, at least have the guts to say, yes, okay, this is how I am. And if you don't like the way you are, then you should work to change it. But if you do like the way you act (or, you like the results in one form or another) and are just miffed because of the way others react to you, that's poor form, frankly. I am oft lacking in sympathy and patience. Not always, but often. It's not an excuse to be a cow, and actually, whilst lacking in those attributes, I also know that I'm very attentive to people. But if I was now to be offended by someone throwing those terms at me, it would be stupid.

(I do get offended when someone suggests that I'm not available to them because that's bullshit. I'm easy to get in contact with. I will listen for long stretches of time. But if at the end of that you don't like what I have to say - and this is the sense in which I mean I don't have patience or sympathy - then don't come to me in the first place. I can listen and not speak, if that's what you want. But don't ask for advice and get irritated when you don't like what I say.)

So. I don't know. I guess. In some ways I know that I am a superlative friend. But I also know that I am a terrible friend. And I feel like N and I spoke openly last night; I remembered why I liked her, and why sometimes I dislike her. I think she remembered the same of me. I think that ultimately, I'm leaving today, and I learned one thing, if not many others. I can take responsibility for my own shit.