{ The Giants Win The Pennant! }

[delga]

Dan's mental/nervous breakdown on SN troubles me on a level that I can't quite grasp. I am pathetic.

In other news, between the lectures and the bible reading every day, I find I am becoming more estranged from the religion I am trying to understand. The idea was to see if I couldn't become more familiar and sensitive to it and instead, I'm freaking out even more. I don't suppose it helps that one is the actual vocal text and the other is a series of lectures treating the Bible as a text which has context and what have you; it also doesn't help that I'm researching polygamy (what? Big Love has me asking questions about that area of religion, as well as the Church of the Latter Day Saints, which banned polygamy a while ago) and that I've also been trying to find out the dayes of Navratri which has led me to research my family's religion, Hinduism, and remember all the things that I used to know naturally. And family religion is weird like that because it's almost passed through the womb. I grew up in an area where there were no Indians/British Asians and yet I still know prayers and rites, and I know the stories behind them too. Admittedly, I know the Bible and biblical lore better and not just because I grew up in a white/Christian-leaning environment but because the literature of the West is founded on Biblical and Mythological lore, and literature is my Knowing Place. But the stories of the east, of Japan and China and India, I know those too, and I know the stories of the African tribes and the Native Americans too because ultimately they are all stories and narratives, and again I say, that is my place. But religion is tricky on that front because my perspective on the narratives and on their worths as moral guides comes back to what is native to me. And that is Hinduism.

Hinduism is polytheistic and monotheistic so the Christian trinity makes sense to me, and the basic morals and teachings of Judaism, Islam and Christianity all make sense to me and I think are worthwhile. These are the roots of morality that they share with Hinduism anyway. It's the individual teachings that I can't get around. The Christian God of benevolence is the one concept that I cannot fathom. I get that faith is supposed to transcend knowledge and that's the foundation of belief, but as I'm not a believer, that doesn't carry weight with me anyway. Like I've said before, what I do believe in is balance. I also believe in basic politenesses such as respecting your elders (even if I don't/can't do that all of the time); being honest; that brothers and sisters are important; that kindness to strangers is a prerequisite; that tolerance of others is a prerequisite. Basic politeness; basic goodness. A little boy falls down, do you leave him or help him up? No brainer. Your friend is a devout Christian and wants you to convert; do you blow them off or listen and give them a chance? To me, no brainer - give them a chance, listen and learn from what they're telling you, think about what you've been talking about and make your decision. It's then your friend's move to be as accepting of you as you are of them: you decision should then hold importance because you did not brush them off.

I don't know. There are some things that I am reading and hearing that are deeply unsettling to me, deeply worrying. I don't think it helps that I lack faith of all kinds; absolute faith has always, to an extent, terrified me. But I think I have to do what I am telling myself and at least be knowledgeable. There is no excuse for ignorance. And in knowing, maybe I'm believing in something else. We'll see.