Ten NINE I AM AN IDIOT years ago today I started a livejournal because I was procrastinating on completing revision for my AS Levels.
I thought that maybe I would delete my eljay once I hit the ten year mark, mostly because I am active everywhere but here, but I still read my flist every day, and I still think about updating every week. (I don't do it because I am lazy.) This weekend I spent a lot of time with my family and I talked about things I don't normally talk about out loud, and I've been thinking about that this evening as I wondered what to update with. There's been a notable shift towards melding the various faces I wear. Where my online space was once anonymous under this username, I'm now linked, one name at a time, thorough various social networks. Eljay was useful in a lot of ways, because I didn'tt have to put a face to my name, or a name to my thoughts; I could just say what I needed to say without really feeling the repercussions. But I am better at saying things out loud now because I have had time to consider the foundations of my character. It's a work in progress, but there's less work to do now.
Eljay has been great, and I'm not shutting it down. I still need it. I met good friends via it. I still read it every day. But it's strange to think I've had a presence that was solely designed by me anywhere for ten years, let alone on this corner of the internet.
There was a wedding this weekend, which I typically hate for two reasons. Firstly: what a faff. Secondly: I don't do well in situations where I have to stand next to the expectations of the culture I was raised in, mostly because I am super conscious of not really meeting the mark. I am mostly okay with this, except for the part where I have to face other people's judgement, because whilst it doesn't really matter what the elders in my family think, I still feel it. I grew up wanting to meet and/or defy expectations, and I hate the side of failure that is other people.
But the wedding was great. My family was really more interested in being around one another than in dealing with the specifics of the festivities, and it ended up being an opportunity to be around one another in a warm, positive way. There are good parts and bad parts, but I do love them. The benefit of most of us having left school now is that the age gap has suddenly become irrelevant. At four o'clock this morning, there were six people in my room, aged between 18 and 39, and although my eldest cousin sister can't give up the opportunity to bemoan her history when her audience is in a confined space, even her constant lament that "things were different when I was growing up" couldn't erase the fact that at that moment our respective ages didn't really matter. We were all there, in one another's confidences.
So time passes, quickly, slowly, relative to each one of us, and the more things change, the more they stay the same, which is longhand for the tenderness in constancy, for which I find myself more grateful every single day.
Happy eljayversary to this username, guys. Let's do this thing.